Something Gets a Hold of You

In 2010, this man, Lyrical King, gave me a guitar lesson at a cafe in Belize. I've always loved this picture, not just because I look like a sun-kissed milk dud, but because it marked a choice, a moment when I gave myself space to learn, play and practice a lot of grace around the things that bring me joy.

I was in Belize to study yoga - asana and sutra - with my teacher Beryl. She taught me that life is a delicate balance between strength and flexibility and that each and every day we have the opportunity to pay closer attention or fall further asleep. This trip and her teachings of strength, flexility and mindfulness inspire me for the new year.

I have three resolutions and the first is to turned down my own inner critic and to care less what others think and say.

I just watched that Marlon Brando film that used his personal audio tapes. He talked a lot about holding a mirror up to the true nature of things, bringing the truth to each moment and not being afraid to be yourself. He said, "I felt myself coming apart, splitting in two and it scared me. Then I asked myself "Why are you so frightened? Let the fear take you. And go with the fear."

I've been frightened my whole life. I had dreams of the klan when I was 5 or 6 years old. Like Audre Lorde said, "imprinted with fear like a faint line in the center of my forehead learning to be afraid with my mother's milk." Yesterday in Connecticut, I was admiring a beautiful old barn and as I looked deeply at the aged wood, noticed that someone had graffitied, in chest-sized letters, "Fuck Niggers". That fear of opening, of trying, of admiring beauty in the context of absolute violence has really shaped me. I felt myself physically close down when I saw it - feigned indiffence. But I'm over it - being afraid of being crushed. I have a real calling, an attraction to the epic and wild - big songs, sweeping vistas, bold ideas, radical love. I'd like to go for it this year. 2015 was good, found joy in late night conversations, made big bets on social change. This year, I'd like to double down on fearlessness. Or perhaps make a practice out of looking fear in the eyes and saying, I'm terrified of that, then doing it anyway. I really want to move through the rigidity of insecurity and explore new concepts of personal happiness. What's on the other side of fear - passed old lonely, generations of unworthy? I'd like to get into it. Show up. Brando also said, "The greatest fear is fear. How are you going to be judged. ... don't want to get caught trying. disbelieved... You have to look at the camera man and say, "I don't give a fuck about any of you" then something gets a hold of you.". I wonder if that's true. I think there's a balance to all of this, which brings me to my second resolution.

Number two, go easy tiger. I was at church with my girlfriend Kallima yesterday and the priest talked about extending grace and mercy to ourselves and others. I know well how to muscle through life. I think it's time to give myself (and those around me) some mercy, to relent, to practice more flexibility. ...to find and live in the space between. To sit with and check in on each moment until I can make friends with the true nature of things, ease into change and resist an urge to cling - to people, ideas, habits. In a practical way, I think that looks like making more friends - especially with people I may have judged in the past, listening and learning more, taking time to think about what I and others might need, giving more than I take, asking more than I answer, slowing down.

And lastly, I just want to show up for life. I kinda just want to just do the things that bring me joy. Maybe that's finishing my yoga teacher certification, learning how to play Indigo Girls on the guitar, traveling to sunny places with friendly people, photographing decisive moments, writing a book with one or many of my cool friends. I think it also looks like supporting the things I actually care about ...like giving money to my friend Will's Black Genius project, like grappling with some emotional heartache I have, like physically supporting the work of unsung change-makers, like spending time with my family. Whatever brings life. The prayer yesterday started, "Dear God, Giver of Life." I like that definition.

Ummm. That felt good to write. wink emoticon