Zora died penniless.

Feminists are giving me a primordial middle finger.

I didn't go.

I didn't go to the White House.

I didn't go to the State of Women. I opted to clean my house instead.

I wish it was a strong moral objection. I did see some corporate sponsors on the list who are systematically killing Black people ....but that's too easy and frankly requires a different course of action. I didn't go because I'm exhausted. And that really makes me feel like a failure. The truth is, I don't feel strong enough to face the amplified crowd and smiles and hugs. Can't hold the issues of the feminist cause. Because every single day I feel like I'm fighting for my life. Every day I'm hoping that someone I love doesn't eat themselves to death. Or become chronically stuck, unemployed, sick because she can't stomach stares of judgment. So while I believe in equal pay and breaking glass ceilings my issue is honestly, personally and immediately debilitating. Spiritual. Rage-filled. Often painful. A feeling of thirst. Not enough. Limited abundance. It makes me angry and guilty when i can't perform - like today. over the last few months - and especially when really tragic things happen like Orlando. I feel overwhelmed. Doused by despair. I feel a flicker. ...like a pilot light on the stove about to go out, a real sense of an edge, a breaking point, darkness - not another ounce to give. It's scary. I've always carried my own source of bright light, but recently I bottomed out and had to rely on my friends to pick me up. It's really no way to stand - propped up by praise, bolstered by self-promotion. GirlTrek is in the middle of it. I don't know whether to feel like a philandering preacher or whether to throw my hands up an absolute wonderment and praise because I'm here, writing, dreaming, loving, trying so hard. I think the latter and I think GirlTrek continues to save my life. The friends I've made, the walks I take, the perspective I choose. In any regard, it felt dishonest to share the invitation to the White House get all of your love and not explain to you that I'm actually taking the day off. That wasn't my intention. I posted to give GirlTrek and everyone who worked to get us invited some shine. So that's it. An unholy act of self-preservation. potential consequences. But wise. ... The last thing I'll say is this. Something that haunts me a bit. My heroes. Zora - she died penniless in an unmarked grave. Fannie died too early at 49 from heart disease and cancer. Harriet worked until she was 80. The one thing that means a great deal to me is honoring their sacrifice. R. Boykin said, "I worry that our foremothers were worked to death. I worry that they didn’t see death coming because they were too busy taking care of other things. I worry that they had too much to do and ran out of time. I worry that they didn’t get to see themselves as celebrated and loved and worthy of celebration and love. I worry that they worked too much, too hard, and for too little pay. I worry that people saw them as strongblackwomen and forgot to see them as human. I worry that our jobs, our families, our friends, and sometimes our supporters expect too much and we expect too little." Any regard, this is me slowing down, enjoying life, having two seats. a loosening, a freedom. ...air. ...a gusty stoke, a testimony after all. Now I'm 'bout to go wash the dishes...